Cold Cold Cold

During the worst of the Polar Vortex that made temperatures drop to minus A LOT in the Midwest I got to stay home from work. There was not enough to do for it to be worth my time and effort to come in. Yesterday temperatures rose to positive numbers and today I had to come in to actually do some work. Rise of temperatures yesterday + freeze today = first fall of the year in the ice ring that our parking lot is.... One broken nail, sore wrist and a minor cut on a finger sums up the damage that i can access at this point.

The joys or winter in Minnesota for a clumsy person...

New Year, New... ? What?

Let me start off 2019 with the usual: Happy New Year! May this be the year all your wishes come thru. All but one, so you always have something to strive for.

Now that I got that out of the way, regular programming may follow.

Christmas season is come and gone, the spirit never fully made an appearance, but this year, for the first time, hubby and I stayed at home with the cat. It was nice to stay warm and cozy at home, with no pressure or stress. We don't really exchange gifts, so i just made my traditional Xmas dessert and we were both happy about it. And of course the decorated tree was the cat's perfect gift!

And then I blinked and it was 2019! This year there were no New Year's resolutions made, so I don't have to quit them by the end of February! I see that as progress. There were no midnight wishes, because I was half asleep and didn't remember. And it really doesn't make any difference. If I truly want to make anything different of commit to some changes, I can decide to do so anytime. No need to stick with that particular date to do it.

For now I am at work (lunch time), trying my hardest to actually get this job we are aiming at. Been doing my fair share of calls and digging around. So if it doesn't happen I can say I really tried. Of course it also means that my hardest wasn't good enough, but let's go glass half full here.

Been meaning to check out gym deals. Not because I have some burning desire to join one, but i am pretty sure there will be deals out there, to take advantage of everyone's resolution of joining a gym. And if there are no joining fees I may give it a try. Or not. But can't hurt to try! In all honesty, I have been downloading fitness apps for the past 2 or 3 months, and so far haven't checked any of them out.

 Maybe I could make a resolution of actually writing here more often. Mostly because I get a kick of reading old stuff and remembering things that otherwise would be long forgotten. I won't call it a resolution, but i certainly will keep it in mind.

And for now that will be a wrap. Time to get back to work, even if it is still lunch time for most people that I am about to call.

And once again: Happy New Year!

Update

Since I last wrote a number of things have happened. To be fairly honest, none that would stop me from updating my own diary, but i guess i can make my own rules if I want to.

Biggest thing that happened was the visit from my teenager niece, with her mother. It was their first time visiting the states, so we spent a fair amount of time visiting tourist attractions in Minnesota. Got to see the Science Museum, and it really is great. For sure a place to visit more timely some other time.

It was great having them around, especially my niece, whom I love with all my heart. I love her mother, but i wish i could of had my niece all to myself for that time. Just to spoil her even more than i already do. I was even ready to spend countless hours at shopping malls and beauty stores, since those are her true loves... But it came to an end :( Now to wait for the next visit...

After that visit there a dark period, where there was no work at the office and I got to stay home waiting for a text telling me to come in... Those were boring days. Mixed feelings really, since it is nice to stay home and relax, but stressful at the same time, since income is always a plus.

November rolled in and some work showed up, just enough for me to have what can be considered a part time. And that is where I am right now.

Christmas is just around the corner, most of the gifts were purchased during Cyber Monday. Can't just ignore a good sale, when those gifts have to be purchased any way. Now there are all on their way to the locations designated. Still missing a couple gifts for the american side of the family, but inspiration for those didn't came in quite so naturally... Maybe closer to Xmas, when I actually have to do it and peer pressure will set off my Christmas spirit. 

In the meanwhile, my 7th US anniversary came and went, with no notice from anyone but myself. Guess it makes sense, since I am the one it impacted. My gift to myself was to go to Sephora and buy some foundation so I wouldn't look like a tired raccoon on Thanksgiving dinner. Ended up talking to a nice gal that works there and she gave me the Sephora birthday treat for my US anniversary. That was nice. :) Big fan of Sephora now!

Oh, btw... used foundation for the dinner party. My mistake was to also use a concealer that a friend gave to me and is too light for my skin tone.... My hubbie renamed me Casper for the day, so that should give an idea on how well my make up turned out.

And I think this sums up the past few months.

Will try to update more often, just for shits and giggles on my part.

Chocolate

Because that is all I can think of. Chocolate cake. Chocolate mousse. Chocolate cupcakes.... Anything chocolate, other than chocolate itself.

TGIF

When the alarm clock rang this morning I lost a bit of my soul. Because I strongly believed it was Saturday and I could have a lazy morning in bed or the couch. But the alarm clock and the confirmation on the phone screen that it was in fact a week day crushed those dreams.

Making it sound a lot worst than it really is. I am in fact having a lazy day, but instead of being home I am at work. No bosses around, work is on track, with nothing much I can do at the moment other than wait. So here I sit, glancing at the usual bidding websites, checking the email and waiting for lunch time!

I think i owe much of my "not-bitchiness" at our new mattress and the good rest I've been getting. Between my new found will of power to do those darn stretches, a nice warm shower and the comfy bed, I have been falling asleep before midnight. And that means that i get to sleep 8h or fairly close to it. Does wonders for my mood!

And on this note I finish this post, since the non bitchy ones are so few and far in between!

Time to get ready to enjoy the weekend!

15 + 15 + 15 (!!)

The saga continues! 3 days on a row, this may be a new record. Both for the continuing "exercise" and for writing about it. But since this is the equivalent of an online diary, i guess i can brag to myself and leave for posterity that i actually kept on trying, if only for a short period of time.

So yesterday i did the usual stuff and decided to add an extra set. Ventured in the painful world of leg lifts. Why did I do it? Not really sure, but somehow it felt right. Or the right thing to do, since physically it didn't feel right at all. Ended up being a broken down 15, since every 5 I had to lower my heels back to the floor. Call it being naive, but i thought those would focus on leg muscles. My bad, since the first 3 proved me it engages abdomen muscles instead. And I have none of those.

Planning on making these a regular thing, since I just saw on a YouTube video (not a very reliable source of information, but i'll take it!) where the guy said the more we try, the better we get at it. And that seems to be a lesson to work in many aspects of day to day life.

Hubbie yesterday called my "routine" a "circus act". Said it in a playful tone. Or I hope that was the meaning. It hasn't been long enough for it, but i feel mildly proud of keeping up with it. For lack of better incentive I have to keep telling that to myself.

15 + 15 (day 2)

Somehow I mustered the courage to repeat the feat yesterday!

Not without some good old fashioned procrastination i must add.

Got home and hubbie was cleaning the garage. I helped him out a bit. Then being a bit sore and tired got the best of me and ended up taking a cat nap before dinner. Then I had the excuse of a full belly not to move. But before bed time I convinced myself to actually do the stretches and the push ups and sit ups. Only 15 of each. I know that doesn't do much, and it's not a proper exercise plan. But they are baby steps. If i demand too much of myself in the first days, the motivation and self control will go out the window a lot faster. So I will keep this up. Or try to.

Luckily I got a nice rest tonight, so my muscles had the chance to rest and relax. Today I only feel a slight discomfort when moving my arms.

Per a quick google search, the modified push up (the one I currently do for lack of strength to do the standard one) works the chest muscles. So I must do something well, because those are the ones that are sore.

The website also says that I should be doing around 200 push ups a day to be considered a work out... That ship will take a while to sail!

15 + 15

In a moment of insanity, I decided it would be a good idea to do some daily stretches and burn like half a calorie. That moment happened late Sunday, so yesterday after getting home from work I oddly followed through. And I did the above referred stretches. And went crazy and did 15 sit ups and 15 push ups. Figured that would be a low enough number to get me going and not make much of a dent. Mostly because during my last... exercising phase (?) , I was up to 3 series of 15. I should add that that happened what seems like a lifetime ago.

As soon as I did the first 2 push ups I knew I couldn't go past the 15 and even those would be stretching it. My arms simply refused to continue. It was more of a mind over matter kind of deal. Pure stubbornness. That being said, I did finish the 15. And I do feel it today. Arm muscles are sore. Not in a debilitating way, more like a "what the fuck have you done to me bitch" kind of way.

And I think I am OK with that for now. I actually plan on repeating the activity later today. Maybe go for 15 + 15  sit ups, since those weren't nearly as hard.

The joys of having more free time! (explanation on that later)

Dealing with tantrums

I apologize in advance to the poor soul who found this blog in a search for how to deal with difficult or stubborn child. This is not the right place for that.

What follows is a rant about grown-ups that behave like children.

- At work one of our clients, who is an idiot, refused to shake mini boss' hand today. This because mini boss dared to send an email to one of the guys co-workers asking for a revised PO. Since mini boss emailed the accounting person, seems like he did nothing wrong. But per the client that was a huge disrespect and cause to halt new projects with us. Also cause to be rude to mini boss. I just can't understand how a self respecting professional works like that. How he can plainly ignore someone you are working for/with you. All the emails he send are addressed to me, even if mini boss is the one responding. As stated, client is an idiot. But if I am not mistaken, he won't be a client for much longer...

- Miss S sent me a couple of messages on Whatsapp, very passive aggressive saying i had no business telling her ex that she was in love with another guy. Seems he called and told her someone had told him and she instantly assumed i had been the one. And I was pissed. At her for believing i would tell him something she told me and at him for making it sound like i did. I told her I would send her snaps of our full convo if she needed proof. My bottom line is a lesson to me of just staying out of it all and not talking to either of them.

- POTUS. Because he is a prime example of a grown up behaving like a spoiled toddler. For more info just refer to anything posted by him on Twitter.

This being said, I am currently the holder of a massive head ache and feel as grumpy as it gets. Over things i mostly can't control, but still disgust me.

About jealousy and relationships

A quick search on Google defines jealousy as:

1. jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against other's success or advantage itself.
2. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims. 
3. vigilance in maintaining or guarding something. 

Doing a honest assessment of myself, and with much input from my mother over many years, it seems I was jealous of my brother while growing up. Reading the first definition, I guess there was some resentment over the love he got from my mum. Looking back I am not proud to admit it. It never affected our relationship and we were always friends. I always loved my brother to bits. But still the resentment was there. I also have been told that my brother was in fact the golden child and got a bit more loving than myself, but it's no excuse regardless. It is still a bad feeling and should have no place. 

Being in a relationship, I am fortunate enough to trust my hubby enough not to have that "mental uneasiness from suspicion or unfaithfulness". It feels foreign to admit it, but I realized it's the truth. 

But others aren't as lucky. And it brings me to what motivated this post.... 

A bit of context: playing Neverwinter we get the chance to run content with other players. Doing that we started running quite a bit with a couple from Germany. They were nice and friendly so we became what can be called as virtual long distance friends. For the sake of clarity, lets call them Mr. S and Miss S. They weren't married, but had a long time relationship and children. And the use of past in the verb is correct. 

Before our Portuguese vacation Miss S has complained about Mr S jealously. That he didn't trust her and was too insecure about her feelings and that it was very off putting. As someone who had been called jealous all her life, I tried explaining to her that it was hard to control and it had more to do with our own anxiety and feeling of being inadequate than anything else. 

During our vacation, Miss S messaged my hubby saying they were broken up and there was no way back. Mr S also messaged me and told me the same thing. He even said he had done some things that he wasn't proud of, and that the jealousy got the best of him. 

Yesterday Miss S messages me and says she is head over heels over this "new" guy. That she knows him from work and they have been talking for a while. That he was very supportive during the break up. That he is everything she wants. Everything and more, since he has a girlfriend... 

Also yesterday, Mr S messaged me and asked if I had been talking to her, and asking if she had told me about this guy she is in love with. Not only was I stunned that they both decided to bring the topic up on the same day, I couldn't believe that Mr S knew about that, when my naive mind felt that it should be something kind of private of Miss S. 

So I ask her if there was any way of Mr S know of this (ok... i thought he had her FB password and was reading her private chats) and she tells me he was always jealous of that guy and was just guessing. 

And it all comes full circle and lets me wondering... was Mr S really jealous or was he reacting to her own shift of feelings and unfaithfulness? Even if she never got physical with the new guy, all the messaging (hence her not wanting to disclose to him who she was texting) kind of counts as cheating by my book. And now Mr S is the one without a home and without being able to see or talk to his kids because she can't stand him... Somehow it doesn't seem fair at all. 

Even without wanting to take sides I am team Mr S on this. He took care of her and her eldest children. He loves her and them. And then he was kicked to the curb and left with nothing when someone shinier showed up and swept her away. Regardless of that new one being in a relationship.... 

There, end of rant for now. Most likely i am wrong in my assessment. There are other things I am not aware of. I am a terrible person. Whatever. Just wanted to get it out of my chest... 

Update on sickies

Just for future reference: I am still coughing and the eyes are still itchy. I will blame that on the usual Spring allergies. 

Hubby might still live. He traded the bed for the couch yesterday and even found the strength in him to play for like 20 mins...   

He is still recovering, but nearly not as dire as he makes it sound like. But sure, if that is what takes him to feel better, why not... 

On the bright side: not playing Neverwinter intensively has allowed me to finish reading a full book! The joy of laying on the couch reading is something i tend to forget to easily. Wonder if I will be able to start another today or the man will be OK enough to resume gaming activities... 

The joys of the common cold...

... can't name any at the moment...

Managed to share mine with hubbie, that took it upon himself to be all bitchy and moody about it...

Yeah, it was my plan all along to catch a cold, feel miserable for an undetermined period of time and give it to you so you can also feel that way. The difference is that you get to stay home in bed moping and I have to come to work. And after i get to go home and resume normal tasks, like eating, talking, housework...

I am happy that he can stay in bed and do his healing process... just not happy at all about his attitude towards me. What's with the angry demeanor? I am truly sorry he is sick and feeling bad, but why should I have to take shit from him for it?

Hate wanting to stay at work on a Monday just not to deal with Mr. Grumpy...

Back

And we are back from vacation!

At work with a major cold. Cough, stuffed nose, trouble breathing, ...

So i would really like to talk about my vacation and how nice it was. But all i really want is to ride out the 8h at work and go back to bed... and  i can't even do that, since we have a birthday dinner to go to today.

😓😢

Dream diary

That awkward moment when you wake up and it's like you never went to sleep in the first place... Except for the anguish in your chest. Except for knowing that you just spent your resting hours dreaming about dumb stuff and impossible scenarios that end up with lots and lots of crying.... 

Tonight i dreamed that i was a lying cheater and got caught. And then it was all about me feeling guilty and crying my eyeballs out. I don't even think i apologized, I just went straight to feeling like shit and assuming I wouldn't be forgiven. 

That being said... WTF?! I would never cheat on my hubbie. I have no wish or inclination to do it. So what was up with the stupid nightmare? 

Now I just feel tired and drained of all energy... 

Unexpected results II

Just as an update of the previous post: I need to have one or several of the pictures framed and hung around the house for a reminder of my resolution. Apart from my newly found aversion for M&M's (why oh why, and I loved them so much...) and Oreo's [ever since i had my January stomach episode I don't feel like eating them] my love for sugar and sweets goes strong and unsupervised. There must be something really wrong with my brain. What other explanation can there be for it not to follow through with resolutions that would be so beneficial for my health? I would say it is all fault of my lacking self control, but that comes from the brain too, so I believe I found a culprit of me being fat! 

Unexpected results

Today is a slow day at work. This only means one thing: plenty of secret visits to Facebook, news sites and random browsing for totally not-work related topics. 

While embarking in one  of those activities, I saw a mention of the work of a photographer that displayed love between people, despite their size, race or gender. I clicked the link and started looking at pictures. Beautifully taken, of people feeling comfortable in their skin, posing by their loved ones in intimate positions. I strongly believe the goal was to make people feel well and confidant that size has no influence on the choices of the heart. That you should feel good about yourself and just lead a healthy happy life. And it somehow only made me feel an intense urge to loose weight and exercise a bit. I guess that is not a bad thing, but it's still weird how my brain processed the images so differently from their original intent.

So now I get to sit here thinking of my new found goal, while time doesn't fly and 5 o'clock sits millions of hours from now.

Happy New Year [OMG - it is 2017 already!]

I am pretty sure 2016 lasted a couple less months than usual years! I won't believe the calendars that tell us it lasted 366 days because I am positive it only lasted like 60 or 70... But those days were all super long and all spent at work! 

And then 2017 started! ...

And in the first few days I spent a ton of $$ at the vet clinic, fell on my butt (slipped on ice), had stomach problems and a fever. Came back to work and found that nothing had changed or been done in the projects i was managing... 

2017 is in its 11th calendar day. Yet it feels we should be nearing March or April by now... 

Maybe it is the side of me that had to drive on snow for a couple of days and is now ready for Summer (when am I not ready for Summer?). 

Maybe it is the side of me that is ready to move back to Portugal and leave all of this behind... No one is stopping other than myself. Or the me that wants to save a little more. But is it worth it? Where is the magic 8 ball that actually tells me what to do and when to do it? A little guidance here would be appreciated... or if I am being honest (and why not, it is just me and me here), what i really want is to have the hubby say "let's move now" and just do it! Pack bags and the cat and move! Or not have to pack anything, just hit the teleport button and have the house, with all inside (us and cat included) all moved to Portugal. That would, indeed, be the sweetest thing! And since I am asking, why not ask for a good paying job waiting for me? 

Sadly these are all wishes, and we all know wishes aren't horses... 

Now back to work, because being writing here certainly isn't in my (very vast) job description... 

Missing home

The title says it all: I miss home! Not the one I have over here with my husband and the kitty, but the one across the ocean. The one where my family and friends are. Where I can drive for less than an hour and smell that wonderful ocean. The country of good food and affordable health care.
The country that won the UEFA Euro 2016 cup!

I should be going on an on about it. And part of me wants to, I am very happy about that win, for many many reasons. Also happy about all the other sport wins that happened during the weekend. But the soccer one had a little more impact on me. I have been waiting for it for my entire life. Watched countless games, cried over it, suffered and celebrated. But never lost the hope that would happen. And now it did!

But today all I can feel is this longing to be with my people. To hear my language being talked around me. To not be here. Guess I'm tired. And can't fight it much longer.
It pains me to take my husband away from the place where he has been living for the past... many years. To a place where he doesn't understand the language. But we agreed on that move, and he seems to be ok with doing it, so it will have to happen sooner rather than later!
A part of me wanted to stay a bit longer. Save some more money. Get a little retirement fund going on. The other part of me just can't stand it anymore.

Wonder if hours of sleep and rest would make this feel less hard. Make it more bearable. But for now I am not getting that rest, so I will just bitch and hope for the day when I return. When I get a nice new place and can take the kitty to meet the Portuguese family. People that love her already and would be totally fine with taking care of her while we away....

I should go on, get things out of my system. But i will finish, readjust my happy mask, and carry on.

Random thoughts

- Today is Wednesday and every fiber in my body begs for it to be Friday;

- My boss payed me a compliment earlier today. He just came out and said that I was doing a god job (he was listened to my phone conversation). It was so unexpected and unusual that my brain didn’t even register the event when it happened. 

- The “torture sessions” [loving nickname I gave to the mini workouts I have been doing] at home continue for me. I don’t believe for a sec that the hubby is still doing them, since I have never seen it happen (not even during the weekend, when I wake up first and go to sleep at the same time). The sore feeling is gone, but it is still very hard to complete the exercises. And I definitely complain and bitch a lot while doing them. 

I guess that is it… I know I wanted to write some more things, but the lack of proper rest is taking its toll on me! 

Day 3

When the alarm went off this morning, my first thought was "pretty sure both the cat and hubby are sleeping on top of me". Only logical explanation as to why I felt so "squeezed". Then as I reached to silence the relentless alarm it dawned on me... After getting home yesterday I was subject to another session of torture. Hubby claimed he had done his already, but I will believe it when I see it! The weekend will clarify my doubts!  I then proceeded to evaluate if I really needed to wash my air. Wouldn't it be OK if it was a little gross if that meant I didn't need to raise my arms higher than my waist? It turned out it wasn’t ok, so just do it! After the shower and getting dressed, the pain started subsiding a bit and became more of a nuisance that intense pain. Or so I keep telling myself!How on earth do those people that go on losing weight shows manage to start exercising for a full day, every day?! I can barely move after a few minutes and they push on and on! Going to use that to fuel my day and keep positive! If they can do it, so can I! Just need to suck it up an act like a grown up. Muscles are sore, but it is worth it! Not even thinking of the eventual/possible weight loss, but of the added strength and flexibility. The muscles that are sore are returning to an active life, and that can only be good. And apparently there are muscles hidden behind my boobs and on my sides! Came I as  shocker!That being said, time to start working and go through the day.Happy Friday!