Broken

This is proving to be a lot rougher than I can handle... 

Missing home

The title says it all: I miss home! Not the one I have over here with my husband and the kitty, but the one across the ocean. The one where my family and friends are. Where I can drive for less than an hour and smell that wonderful ocean. The country of good food and affordable health care.
The country that won the UEFA Euro 2016 cup!

I should be going on an on about it. And part of me wants to, I am very happy about that win, for many many reasons. Also happy about all the other sport wins that happened during the weekend. But the soccer one had a little more impact on me. I have been waiting for it for my entire life. Watched countless games, cried over it, suffered and celebrated. But never lost the hope that would happen. And now it did!

But today all I can feel is this longing to be with my people. To hear my language being talked around me. To not be here. Guess I'm tired. And can't fight it much longer.
It pains me to take my husband away from the place where he has been living for the past... many years. To a place where he doesn't understand the language. But we agreed on that move, and he seems to be ok with doing it, so it will have to happen sooner rather than later!
A part of me wanted to stay a bit longer. Save some more money. Get a little retirement fund going on. The other part of me just can't stand it anymore.

Wonder if hours of sleep and rest would make this feel less hard. Make it more bearable. But for now I am not getting that rest, so I will just bitch and hope for the day when I return. When I get a nice new place and can take the kitty to meet the Portuguese family. People that love her already and would be totally fine with taking care of her while we away....

I should go on, get things out of my system. But i will finish, readjust my happy mask, and carry on.

Pink nails

Sitting at work I realize I worked myself senseless last week (s). That only caused me still be drained today! After wrapping a bid last week for a big and confusing project, i only have 2 new ones to work on. One bids tomorrow and the other next week. Pretty confident both outcomes will be sucky, but at this point I really don't care. I have been doing all I can to make things happen, but there is only so much that someone with my knowledge and motivation can get done!

So instead of calling people and leaving voice mails (it is lunch time), I decided to come over and write something! Of course as soon as I did, all the topic ideas flew away and left me with the usual blank canvas.  While staring at my hands paused on the keyboard, my pink nails stood out and the title came along!

Yesterday was grocery shopping day! While the hubby chose a shampoo (it is such a rare event that he didn't even know how to approach the aisle) I went to look at the available polish colors.
Since moving to the US Sally Hansen has been my chosen brand. But the fact that the regular polish chips within 2 days of application always bugged me, leading me to splurge on gel nails... Until now!
Sally Hansen released this miracle polish thingy that doesn't need the special light and lasts up to 14 days! I tried it and it lasts me 9 days before starting to chip.
So it is time to start a nice little collection of colors! Cream, Pink and Blue are the first ones. Bolder colors to follow! And the happy feeling of only spending $7.99 a jar instead of the $30 every other week for the gel application!

And now back to work, rocking my pink nails and my lack of wish to work....

4/25/1974 (US) & 25/4/1974 (Portugal)

Regardless of how I write the date, the feeling still stands that I should not be working today!

This is a day filled with historic meaning in Portugal.

Quoting Wikipedia:

“The Carnation Revolution, also referred to as the 25 April, was initially a military coup in Lisbon, Portugal, on 25 April 1974 which overthrew the regime of the Estado Novo. The revolution started as a military coup organized by the Armed Forces Movement composed of military officers who opposed the regime, but the movement was soon coupled with an unanticipated and popular campaign of civil resistance. This movement would lead to the fall of the Estado Novo and the withdrawal of Portugal from its African colonies and East Timor.

The name "Carnation Revolution" comes from the fact that almost no shots were fired and when the population took to the streets to celebrate the end of the dictatorship and war in the colonies, carnations were put into the muzzles of rifles and on the uniforms of the army men. In Portugal, the 25th of April is a national holiday, known as Freedom Day, to celebrate the event.”

[I could of wrote an explanation myself, but I just felt it would be easier to copy someone else’s work – COPY PASTE RULES!]

This was always a day of staying home with the family. Having my dad tell us how he had been woken early in the morning to go and guard the evacuation  of the prison in Peniche. My mother telling how she was running back and forth, almost 8 months pregnant with my brother, to report the news she was listening on the radio. Each member of the family that had some sort of memory of that day would share it. And despite us having heard the same reports year after year, we still asked for them and brought the topic up. And today, while sitting grudgingly at work, I miss that. I am missing out on that experience once again.

Instead I am sitting at work, trying to find electricians in KS. Every little girl’s dream… 

:(

Today Minnesota is in mourning. People and companies are coming together and painting this state with purple. Radio stations have been playing Prince’s songs non-stop since we first heard the news yesterday morning.

It was a  loss to the music scene around the world, but to MN particularly. RIP Prince. 

Random thoughts

- Today is Wednesday and every fiber in my body begs for it to be Friday;

- My boss payed me a compliment earlier today. He just came out and said that I was doing a god job (he was listened to my phone conversation). It was so unexpected and unusual that my brain didn’t even register the event when it happened. 

- The “torture sessions” [loving nickname I gave to the mini workouts I have been doing] at home continue for me. I don’t believe for a sec that the hubby is still doing them, since I have never seen it happen (not even during the weekend, when I wake up first and go to sleep at the same time). The sore feeling is gone, but it is still very hard to complete the exercises. And I definitely complain and bitch a lot while doing them. 

I guess that is it… I know I wanted to write some more things, but the lack of proper rest is taking its toll on me! 

Just plain rude

There are people out there owning business that should just leave the paperwork and public relations to someone else. That would save them the hassle of doing the work and would also save us, the people who call them and need them to do the work, to get bombed with their BS or  with their aptitude for offensive swearing. I swear as much as the next person (fine, maybe just a bit less), but dropping the  F word several times in a phone call with your employer (with the person that literally writes your payment check) just seems like a stupid move.

That being said, a plumber 915 miles away (1472 Kms) managed to leave everyone at the office feeling uneasy. What is really surprising is that it could all be avoided (the headache, him losing his contract, us having to find someone else to do the work) if he had been honest and upfront about things. Instead he tried to lie and make up excuses for everything that went wrong, even if his fault was as clear as a nice summer day.

That being said, let me make some calls to try and find some more people that down the road may or may not prove to be assholes … 

Day 3

When the alarm went off this morning, my first thought was "pretty sure both the cat and hubby are sleeping on top of me". Only logical explanation as to why I felt so "squeezed". Then as I reached to silence the relentless alarm it dawned on me... After getting home yesterday I was subject to another session of torture. Hubby claimed he had done his already, but I will believe it when I see it! The weekend will clarify my doubts!  I then proceeded to evaluate if I really needed to wash my air. Wouldn't it be OK if it was a little gross if that meant I didn't need to raise my arms higher than my waist? It turned out it wasn’t ok, so just do it! After the shower and getting dressed, the pain started subsiding a bit and became more of a nuisance that intense pain. Or so I keep telling myself!How on earth do those people that go on losing weight shows manage to start exercising for a full day, every day?! I can barely move after a few minutes and they push on and on! Going to use that to fuel my day and keep positive! If they can do it, so can I! Just need to suck it up an act like a grown up. Muscles are sore, but it is worth it! Not even thinking of the eventual/possible weight loss, but of the added strength and flexibility. The muscles that are sore are returning to an active life, and that can only be good. And apparently there are muscles hidden behind my boobs and on my sides! Came I as  shocker!That being said, time to start working and go through the day.Happy Friday! 

Update

In the interest of full disclosure, I must publicly say that my arms are currently trembling at the effort of typing and grabbing sheets of paper of the printer. 

Considering the weather is warmer I can't really pin it on being cold... 

This is turning out to be a very long day at work! 

TV shows and mid-life crisis

My hubbies birthday was yesterday. He doesn’t really celebrate or care for his birthdays at all (as mentioned before). Ended up getting him a cake and that was it!

After dinner, while we were watching TV he says something about “having done his calisthenics in the morning”. “you did what now?” Apparently he decided he needs to get fitter and started doing push-ups and curls and stretches and that kind of stuff. “Good for you baby, you should of waited for me so I could spot your sit-ups”. Notice I did  not mention in any way me doing those kind of torture exercises!

It seems like a good timing to mention that my flexibility is in the lines of Sheldon's: 

I left the conversation drop, avoiding the soreness of the topic. And then TV blasts with the premiere of a new TV show called “Strong”. Thanks a bunch Sylvester Stallone and NBC! Hubbie does not watch reality tv! Or at least he claims not to. But he didn’t change the channel and started watching. At this point I starting fearing repercussions of such an exposure to exercise, effort and will.

And then the inevitable happened… He got me doing sit-ups and push-ups and stretches… And the promise that we would start doing them every day! NOOOOOO! Maybe it is a passing fancy and he forgets all about it by this afternoon… Or he won’t and I have to prepare for some more exercising non-existent muscles. Not sore today, which was a nice surprise in the morning! Not going to tell him tough, or the number of sequences and repeats will raise exponentially!

Wish me luck… 

Did you really think this through?

This just happened and I am giggling about it, so I decided to write it down to remember in the future! Not sure if it will make sense if anyone else other than myself reads it, so my apologies for that!

Context:

Small company here, keep that in mind.

President’s name (eg): Mrs. Blah blah

Project Manager name: MR. Blah blah

And “Blah blah” is an uncommon name, the kind you have to spell out each time you give it away.

Project manager sends out perfectly polite e-mail to subcontractor telling him to comply to schedule and having supplies available. Subcontractor calls immediately asking to talk to the President in order for her to remove the Project Manager from the project since he is being pushy and rude.

Yeah dude, that is going to happen! She may even say that to him while in bed. Something like “hey honey, forgot to mention you are off the project you are running because some little girl disguised as a grown man is upset at you”. This guy works in construction. If he gets all flushed and upset with the e-mail Mr. Blah blah sent him, he is royally screwed working in this field. I’m a girl, pretty easily offended with nonsense stuff and I can’t find the fault in that e-mail! Part of me wants to call him and ask WTF?

This is going to be a weird Wednesday… 

Bowling and stuff

The title has almost no correlation with the post. But no other ideas came to mind while the floor plan of a bowling alley is staring right at me!

That being said, I should be actively preparing a scope of work based in those drawings. I’ve done 2 locations, only one to go. But this is the most confusing one, the least documented (oh the lack of pictures, why didn’t I take them instead of leaving that task to others…) and the one I feel will bring less return. I still have to do it today. But it can wait a couple more minutes!

Tomorrow is my hubbies birthday. It is a big one too. And he refuses to celebrate or even get any gifts. And that annoys me to no end for some odd reason! I wanted him to be more excited about his b-day. But then I realize it is HIS birthday and it is none of my business how he chooses to (not) celebrate it. Still it annoys me, but the little rational me tells me I should keep my feelings to myself about this and let him have his day the way he wants it! So grown-up, right? We’ll see how I fare tomorrow…

I feel like procrastinating my bowling alleys work a bit more, but duty calls and I want to leave work in a couple of hours so… be back soon! 

The benefits of thinking before speaking

From what I can gather, Spring was in Minnesota, but Summer invited her to go on vacation and she left. I believe Autumn and Winter are filling her for her. Only that can explain the grey skies, the rain and the cold that insists on sticking around. All the lights at the office are turned on, and still the gloominess from outside seems to fill both me and my co-worker with this intense wish of going home and curl up on the couch (each of us to their own home, with their own couch).

So when my boss came out and asked if I wanted to go with him tomorrow I instantly said “yes”. Anywhere would be less gloomy and more appealing than sitting at the office all day. Then it occurred to me to ask “where?”. Site meeting with a potential client, I have to meet him at 8 am. Not only will I be at a similarly gloomy location, with my boss and other people than know loads more about construction than myself, but I will also be there sleep deprived and grumpy. I should just go home right about now and take a 16h nap…

Next time I will know to think a bit before saying something. Maybe suddenly remember an appointment I never made or a headache that is yet to come!

Come back Spring, please bring Summer with you! I am in desperate need of some vitamin D! 

Tax season

'Tis the season to be jolly... 

Or not! I put on my [imaginary] CPA hat yesterday and tackled the joyful task of preparing the forms. 1040 and state. I don't really mind doing that. I do, however, mind greatly when i see the values we are supposed to pay. Forget about refund, we always pay. You would think we pay nothing throughout the year, right? But every month, dutifully, a large sum of mine (and his) paycheck goes off to the government. And when tax season comes, we are always invited to write a check and send over. How dare we have no mortgage on the house?   

I know this is me just bitching, but it just pains me to be so taxed. It feels like every time I turn around I have to pay something to the government. You want to file your taxes? Pay up! You want to work? Pay up! You want to get this form that we should provide you? Pay up! You want to step outside? Pay up! 

What exactly is this money being used for? And why can't I get ANY benefits out of it? It would be nice if someone could explain the phenomena to me.... 

Friday morning meeting - 1

I should be working now. Really working hard. Should of… Could of.. Would of… Instead I am typing this text using an outlook box to disguise my lack of work and playing Trivia Crack on the phone. Failing miserably at it. I used to be smart, not really sure what happened.

Since today is Friday, we got to have our Friday morning meeting, which is just code for eating and donuts and talking. As usual Miss dumb-ass here decided to ask a work question as a conversation started. In my defense, I was trying to steer the conversation away from the chatter that usually happens and that I didn’t feel like enduring. So I shouldn’t be complaining about having the boss say that we have to be more “ass-hole like” sometimes. After I replied that would be a problem to me, he said he didn’t care and that I only had to deal with it. Awesome, really what I wanted. I strongly dislike confrontation, arguments or any form of heated conversation. I like to do things the diplomatic way. Of course that does not always work when dealing with contractors. I have found many good people out there, but I have also had the displeasure of running into some royal dicks. And not the good kind of dick…

So I will just go on with my playing and the pretending to work. Today won’t be the day I am a bitch! Let us save that for some other day when I am naturally inclined to that.

Happy Weekend!

(Online) diary of a fat girl - 3

It has been two weeks since I started taking better care of my diet. That means I am not skipping meals, I'm trying to drink more water and... eating less sugar/sweets. In addition to that, my hubbies cooking (he cooks the meals during the week) are filled with veggies and healthy stuff. 

That being said, I can actually see differences! These are the most relevant: 

• What they say about drinking more water and having better skin? Lies, all lies! My skin has the texture of a parchment these days. There is not enough moisturizer in the Clinique department at Macy's!
  
• I can actually keep a sleeping schedule! It goes something like this:
  [7:30 am - 9:30 pm] "I am sooooo sleepy! I need a nap, please let me take a nap!"
  [9:31 pm - 10 pm] "Ok, time to get ready for bed." "Oh, it feels nice and confy"
  [10:05 pm - 12:30 am] "Time to sleep! Close your eyes and sleep now"
  [12:35am - 7:29 am] = 5 minutes (time of day when 7 h = 5 min)
  
• My BM's are on a good and regular schedule - Actual benefit!
  
• I think about eating chocolate 18/7 and I am grumpy and bitchy most the time... 

The joys of a wannabe diet... 

Bored?

It dawned on me yesterday! While I was driving home, trying to figure out was it has been so hard for me to be at work and actually focus: I am bored with what I do! I should of figured it out earlier, it makes perfect sense. I like to learn new things at work. To do stuff that challenge me. And I do like to feel I am improving at what I do. And at my current job, there is only so much I can improve on my own. It wouldn’t hurt if I got compliments on my work a little more often, or if I felt I was being recognized. But apparently the gig is to assume all will be done correctly and only say something if something comes out wrong. And blame me, even if it is not my fault or responsibility. Routine kills me. Repetition drowns my spirit.

On my free time I like to play games. I even get bored with those, within a couple of weeks. Shouldn’t surprise me I got bored and tired of the (same) work after a couple of years. But games I can give up on, stop playing or put on pause. And apparently if you do that with work… you don’t get paid! And I have this fondness for the paycheck at the end of the month….

Btw, yesterday I was calculating our taxes for this year… I better get back to work and make the money I need to write the IRS a big fat check… Refund season for me always means me giving more money to the IRS… I am pretty sure I am not pleased with this arrangement! 

Thursday blues

It has been days since I was myself. There is someone else living in my skin. I can see it being there, doing things in my place. I can feel it's hunger and sleep. But all the things that make me me are hidden and dormant. I wake up in the morning, wait for the alarm clock to ring and then fight the urge to just curl under the covers and pretend the world doesn't exist. 

My days are a constant fight between my sour mood and the need to be nice and pleasant. The me that isn't me plays the part of the real me fooling the people around (not like someone is paying close attention) and killing off the real me a bit each day. 

It is a matter of time until the me that i recognize disappears. 

'Till then... It was nice knowing the real me! 

Spring

Spring arrived last Monday! Cardinals and Great Tits (THE BIRD) have been chirping around for days. And today they get snowed on! Not fair for the poor fellas! Them or me... Ready for Spring, for green grass, for trees blooming and flowers showing their pretty colors. 
But instead we get a mild snow storm. I guess it could be worst: it could of been a major snow storm instead. But it is still enough to make me want to cuddle with a blanket and a good book at home.

Oh warm weather, how I miss you... 

Sad day for the world

Explosions in Brussels.

The so-called Islamic State Group said it was behind the attacks. 

It is just plain sad that there are still people willing to kill others (and themselves) in the name of...? ... a cause? ... a calling? Why? What is so important that justifies the death of innocent people. Parents, children, loved ones. People that were just living their lives. Maybe leaving for vacation. Maybe saying a goodbye to their loved ones, not thinking it would be their final one. Someone taking the subway to get to work, to school... 

Today is a sad day for the world. Belgium cries for their losses and the world should cry with them. In solidarity. In shame. 

(Online) diary of a fat girl 2

I found out last weekend that there is a book with the same name as this string of posts!

Talk about not being original... :( My apologies to Ms. Moira Mugweni). Just in case, I will change the title a wee bit. 

I did read the book over the weekend. And I liked it! Teenager kind of book, but apparently i didn't outgrow my 18y fat self (despite being almost twice as old as that...). And the girl actually lost some weight. And found her self confidence! I wish I could find mine too... 

Went to the doctor last week for some issues I have been having. I am pretty sure the diagnosis was done way before the doctor started talking to me. As soon as I saw her walk in the office, all skin and bones, I figured the weight would be an issue. She didn't tell me right away. First she called some blood work and ultra-sound. Then she called me a few days later and told me I was overweight. NO SHIT Sherlock! She also told me that could explain the issues I have been having. Sure it does. Not sure if it explains the "disappearing" (the ultrasound didn't show anything out of place) of the growths in my liver that were diagnosed years ago.  Of course all the stomach issues are weight related... 

I am not naive enough to think that being overweight is the healthiest choice for me, but I am pretty sure that my complaints are not weight related. 

Now to wait a while for the next episode and then take myself to the ER.  

Monday bitching

It is Monday. That alone makes me grumpier than usual (Garfield has nothing on me). 

The weekend was way to small to accommodate all my need to do nothing and relax. Plus I had to squeeze in visits to the hubby's family (twice!). That being said, my mood today when the alarm clock went off wasn't the best. 

But i did manage to get up, get ready, come to work  AND arrive on time! 

After a few hours in, my boss asks me how I could miss something in a project we've been working on. I did in fact miss it. But so did he. The person who knows these things inside out and that qualified bids and writes contracts. Why exactly I am the one to blame just baffles me... And when he figured he should be blaming himself, did he apologize? Hell no! God forbid these people know the power of an apology... 

It didn't help my mood. And now I am debating if I should go earlier or if I should stay a few more hours just to get paid for them. Not a very nice thing to do, I know... but I do things much faster than my co-worker and get no credit or extra for it.

And if I went home earlier I am pretty sure it would only be to sit on the couch and watch the hubby playing with his phone. Boring, boring, boring! 

And that is it! Ranting done! 

Working on a Thursday...

In a nut shell, this was my day today:
9:00 - 14:30
Calling a few subs, updating the list, making sure all was on track, having lunch, counting seconds, doing nothing...
14:31 - 15:30
Planning work, doing some more calls. Stating "I am sooooo going to leave at 16h today!"
15:31 Boss walks in and gives me a number of things to get done
17:10 "Shit...."

Bid day

Today is pre-bid day. That means we should have all the bids for all the trades nicely lined up to present to our Project Manager tomorrow. As always, we don't! Not for lack of trying i might add. I don't understand those contractors that say they are going to bid, sounds as if we don't need to call anyone else and then leave us out to dry... I wonder if it is that hard to pick up the phone and say "not bidding". Doesn't really take that long and could make a world of difference to us! Of to do dummie calls and trying to find who is already bidding in the great state of OH...

Diary of a fat girl 1

As I sit on the couch, cat laying at my feet, the tv presents me The Biggest Loser. I could easily be watching Netflix, but there is something that compeles me to watch the strenght of the competitors. The way they commit to a diet and to weight loss...

I should be able to do that. Both for appearance as health. I wonder how cool it would be to look in the mirror and not flinch at the relection. To go to the doctor and not get a dirty judgemental look... To be able to fit on a size 8... To make my hubbie proud of me and proud to be seen with me by his side. Not that he ever made me feel inadequate, but i feel it enough for the both of us. 

Guess i'll stop writing now and go back to my book world, where no one really cares how I look, not even myself...